I was at a ministry meeting yesterday and someone said, “Don’t you ever get weary of holding onto hope? It seems like the hope you’re hanging onto gives you life. I can’t let myself hope anymore. Hope is too painful.”
I went on to tell her how I’ve been waiting and believing 8 years for God to heal and fill my barren womb, and how just recently the baby we were adopting died. Her eyes grew pretty wide and she stared at me in disbelief. She didn’t understand how I still had enough hope.
It’s easy in this journey to motherhood to put your hope in the wrong thing. It’s easy to put your hope in doctors, or the next cycle, or an adoption agency, or foster care paperwork. It’s easy to put your hope in the next season, or the positive pregnancy test, or that sweet little black and white photo you’ve waited so long to see.
I get it. I’ve done that too over the years. When you put your hope in those things, eventually you will be disappointed. When you put all of your hope into a baby, you will get your hopes up even when that baby is yours and your staring them in the face. The pregnancy, the baby, the name “mom” was never meant to be your hope. And when those things become your hope and you’re disappointed, it will be too painful to hope again.
She didn’t understand where my Hope was found. My hope is found in the Hope that lives inside of me! Christ, inside me, the Hope of glory, He will never disappoint me. He will never fail!
I can have hope after all of these years and after so much loss because I’m clinging tightly to Hope, Himself. I know He always keeps His promises. This verse says to “cling tightly to hope.” The most beautiful part of this season is that Hope has been clinging tightly to me. He hasn’t let me go.
When I haven’t had the words to pray, these words just fall out of my mouth, “Hope, don’t let me go.”
And He hasn’t. He’s been right here, closer to me than the skin on my bones.
I’m clinging tightly to Hope, but He’s holding onto me too.