In all honesty, I’ve felt like a wreck lately. Father has been tenderly and gently uprooting me, pulling me out of something that’s been comfortable for so long and leading me into something new. I am slowly surrendering my need to control every aspect, and I am learning to just trust His every move, but it hasn’t felt warm and fuzzy. And what’s crazy about it is that I prayed for this! What He’s doing in this season is what I’ve been praying fervently over for so long and have just been waiting for His timing….and yet, I’ve had so many moments of uncertainty, moments of wrestle, and felt an absolute rollercoaster of emotions.
My mind has been in places of turmoil and I’ve resorted to running back to living in anxiety and bondage—a place where the enemy tricks me into thinking it’s a “good” way to cope. In one breath I’m declaring with passion, “Abba, I TRUST you fully!” and in the next, I’m whispering “Are you sure about this? I’m not.” Being on this pendulum of emotions leaves me exhausted at the end of most days, feeling like a pile of brokenness. All I want to do is find my way to Him and let Him hold me….And yet, I find myself questioning at times, “can I really crawl to His feet with such uncertainties, and take all of my mess and ugly with me there?”
This verse in Matthew came to my mind and I heard His voice saying, “Sweet daughter…in these verses, did I tell you to come to me when you have it all together? Did I tell you to come to me, tied up pretty with a bow? Did I tell you to come to me when you feel refreshed and full of confidence? No, my love. You come to me just as you are in your brokenness and mess. I’m always waiting for you.”
It’s a lie from the enemy to think we have to make our way to Him when we have it all together. He tells us in this scripture to come to Him when we are weary and burdened! And when I’m weary and crippled with burdens, there is NOTHING pretty or put together about my mind, my heart, my life. I feel defeated, confused, foggy, and exhausted. But that’s what Abba wants—He wants us to come to Him just as we are. No matter what that looks like. He’s ready to take that burden and throw it in the grave where it belongs, and hold us in our mess. He wants our raw, our ugly, our real. He just wants us to fully join our life with His, in sweet communion, so He can take perfect care of us—-on the mountain peaks and in those dark, mess-filled valleys.
So today I’m running to His feet with my brokenness and mess. resting in His loving arms, and laying these burdens down in surrender. Will you do the same, sister?
-Sara D.