I have been coming to The Garden since last September and it has just been the best experience for me. Jessica invited me to the group just a couple of days after my third miscarriage. Being able to meet all of you and just share our experiences was such a weight lifted from my heart. Before The Garden, I knew that infertility and miscarriages was not isolated just to me, but it really did feel that way. Being around others that knew the heartache and the month to month struggle has been such a blessing! I desperately needed to hear Jessica’s teachings on overcoming the lies that go along with this ‘scarlet letter’ that I feel infertility has branded me with. To hear over and over that our God did NOT do this to me, He only wants good things for me and that it is the enemy that comes to steal, kill, and destroy has really helped to put things into the correct perspective for me.
One major thing that I have learned throughout this process is that my timing is most certainly not God’s timing. I have had to learn to set aside my ‘control freak’ nature and to submit to His will and His plan. This was one of the hardest things I have ever struggled with (and there were many many days where I failed miserably). I am ashamed to say that I lost faith there for a long time. I was bitter and angry towards those around me, furious with God for letting me have to go through infertility and the loss of three babies I was not even able to meet. Angry with my husband for not understanding how it all made me feel, disgusted with myself for not being able to do this one thing that seems to come so easily for everyone else. Worried that I just would not be a good mother and that this was all happening because of something that I did. The thoughts and feelings that are pushed on us by the enemy are strong and so so so easy to give in to. I am so thankful for a God that keeps chasing after me, even when I turn my back on Him. He never abandoned me.
I’m not going to go into all of the details, infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss is just part of my story and I am SO thankful that that isn’t the end! So, short version – I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 15. My husband and I dealt with infertility for right at 6 years. I was later diagnosed with a very low ovarian reserve, hormonal issues, ovulation issues, and a blood clotting disorder. Throughout that time, we underwent many rounds of fertility treatments and sadly we suffered three devastating miscarriages. I spent many many hours in tears on the bathroom floor. I felt like giving up every single month. But every cycle I convinced myself that ‘this was the one’ and it would start all over!
Something was said in The Garden just really struck a place last December. I don’t remember exactly how the message went, but we were talking about God’s promise to us for good and how He always restores what the enemy has taken from us. I just knew that our baby was coming. I didn’t know when or how, but I felt that we needed to go ahead and start preparing. So, we bought a crib and painted the nursery. We turned the guest room that I could barely even walk into (I kept the door shut most of the time) from something that reminded me of the emptiness and what all we had lost into a symbol of hope for what we had to look forward to. Honestly, I believe it was one of the best, most healing experience for me and the best Christmas present we could have given ourselves.
We made the decision to do three more IUIs and if they didn’t work, we would stop. I wasn’t sure what was next for us, but I just knew that I couldn’t keep going like that. January of this year, I was in the bathtub the night before our scheduled IUI, sobbing. I had poured my heart out to Father and just begged Him for an answer on what to do. As I sat there crying, I heard ‘stop’. It was the clearest answer I feel I have ever gotten, even if it wasn’t really what I wanted to hear. I went and told my husband what happened and he agreed that it would be our last treatment.

Fast forward to the next day, we went in for the IUI, they did the ultrasound to make sure everything was ready and the doctor / nurses said that my eggs were just too small and that it wouldn’t even be worth trying that month. Needless to say, I was very upset. But God said stop and I guess He meant it! I just started praying for answers as to what was next. I needed a direction but didn’t feel like I was getting an answer. Two weeks later, I got my answer in the form of a positive pregnancy test! Our God is greater than infertility. He is bigger than our bodies, than treatments, than doctors. He doesn’t need any of that. Again, all in HIS timing, not ours. I am beyond thrilled to say that our little boy is doing very well. I am currently 21 weeks pregnant, due in October. I know that we still have a way to go, but I cannot even describe the sense of peace that has been over me the past five months.
I don’t know the reason our story has started out the way that it did. Maybe one day I will have some answers. Until then, if my story can help someone else in the midst of their struggle, it was worth it. He has performed SO many incredible miracles in this group so far and I know He isn’t done yet. Thank you guys so much for reading my story. I am praying for miracles for each and every one of you. Do it again, Papa!