The Desire of My Heart

by | Dec 1, 2021

“Find your delight and true pleasure in Yahweh, and he will give you what you desire the most. Give God the right to direct your life, and as you trust him along the way, you’ll find he pulled it off perfectly!”

Psalm 37:4-5 TPT

I remember reading this years ago and distorting the words so that they fit into the box that I wanted so desperately for them to fit into.

For the longest time, I used these words as an ultimatum to Father– a sort of checklist or sticker chart. In my head I kept believing that if I did all the outward things to make God first in my life and “checked all the boxes” of reading His word everyday, praying everyday, offering my worship, and attending church every week, that He would see my obedience as my delight in Him and would give me what my heart desired the most…a child. 

All of the outward things I was doing were really just that, outward. Everything I did was to complete a checklist so that at the end I would receive the gift of being called Mother. Each month I was left with an agonizing pain of feeling worthless…like all of my hard work didn’t earn enough stickers on my chart to be worthy enough to receive the reward. It wasn’t until I reached the end of me, a point of complete surrender, that I understood the true meaning of this scripture for the first time. All He’s ever wanted is me. No checklist, no sticker chart, no striving to be obedient. The more that I let go of what I thought my life should look like and relinquished the control to direct it, the more the desire of my heart became the very desire of His. Communion. 

The more I let Him in, the more entwined our hearts become. He is my delight and the one thing I desire the most is to be in communion with Him. It’s in this space with Him, this intimate hiddenness, that I see Him with unveiled eyes and fully know His heart for me. I can trust Him. Even when the things in my life don’t look like I want them to or how I thought they would, I know that I can rest in the midst of it because He is for me and always pulls it off perfectly. Even better than I could have ever imagined.

-Jessi B.